Day 2: What is Willpower?

My journey has just begun and today I have had a big lesson in willpower - or rather - lack thereof.  I fell asleep last night before I could prepare my green smoothie for today....then I woke up late and didn't have enough time to make one before I left for work this morning.  That was the first mistake.  I was so hungry today that I ended up going to Chuy's Mexican Restaurant - ordered a Chicken & Bean Burrito - it was huge and I ate almost the whole thing.  When I say it was huge, I mean for a "normal" person it would have been enough for at least 2 meals, if not 3.  Along with the burrito, Chuy's gives you a bag full of fresh-made-daily tortilla chips.  With the tortilla chips is their creamy jalapeno sauce.  It is the most addicting sauce in the entire world....hands down.  So of course, I snacked all afternoon on tortilla chips and creamy jalapeno sauce.  Needless to say, I did not have a good nutrition day and I totally sabotaged my own efforts of getting healthier.  

I have no willpower.  So what is "willpower" anyway?  According to dictionary.com, the word "willpower" is a noun meaning "control of one's impulses and actions, self-control". I think it helps for me to explain that I have an addictive personality.  When I find something that makes me feel good or takes me out of "me" My entire life I have found things that I enjoy and I have become overly obsessed with them. Sometimes that's a good thing - when your talking about things like reading, sports, and other positive activities.  But when your are talking about overeating and making bad food choices, it is bad and quite frankly could be life threatening.  

I don't know why it is so hard for me to make the right choices.  And I don't know why it is so hard for me to set myself up for success.  One of these days, I hope that I can figure it out.  I prefer it to be sooner than later.  Being the "fat" lady isn't fun anymore.  I hate the way I look when I look at myself in the mirror.  I hate the way I feel when I wake up in the morning. And I hate the way I feel when I go to bed at night.  I am trying to re-learn, at the age of 37, how to be healthy.  My biggest dream right now is to get this weight off and just feel better physically.  The emotions will follow once I like myself again.  It's been a very long time since I have liked myself.  I hate being in pictures and it's very hard for me to even want to take a "selfie".  I don't want to be reminded of what others see - a fat, unhealthy woman who needs to learn how to take better care of myself. 

So today, I am not very positive.  I can't be when I feel defeated.  As hard as I have tried to put on that "happy" face, I just can't anymore.  This is real.  This is my life.  And I don't want to lose it at a young age. 

So where do I start?  Does anyone have any suggestions for me?  Any ideas that work for them?  I make so many excuses about why I can't do this or do that - the reality of it is that I am overwhelmed - so overwhelmed that I truly don't know where to begin.