Parenting is Hard

Growing up I don't think I quite appreciated everything that my parents did for me.  In fact, I know I didn't.  I gave them a hard time and I am sure that I broke their hearts at least a time or two.  I always thought that I was a good kid.  I always thought that I was doing everything "right" and that I was a "perfect child".  Looking back I realize that I was far from it.  Yes, I stayed out of trouble as much as I possibly could (partly because I knew what awaited me at home if I didn't) I worked hard in school to get good grades that would make any mother proud.  I excelled in extra-curricular activities.  I was dedicated.  

I cannot lie though, I was mouthy at times and I was withdrawn.  I tried to keep a lot of things from my parents - mostly because I didn't want them interfering with my life.  But when shit went wrong or things were "bad" in my little world, I told them.  My parents knew when in 4th grade I was being bullied by some other girls in my class (which the bullying lasted until roughly the middle of my 8th grade year).  My parents knew when a boy "broke" my heart or when my best friend "didn't like me anymore and we weren't friends". Times were different then.  The 80's and 90's were different.  The world was different.  Values and beliefs were different back then.  There was no internet.  There was no Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.  No iphones or androids.  There was none of that.  But, I did talk back.  I did think my mom was "lame" and I just wanted to be my own person.  I didn't want my parents up in my business. 

Today, I am a mother.  And all I want to do is know everything that is going on in my only child's life.  I am like a momma bear protecting her cub.  Or at least I want to be.  But my parenting is no different from the parenting that my parents had to do - except I have to worry about internet usage, inappropriate internet behaviors, cyber bullying, sexual predators and all of the other great things that this new technological age has created.  iPhones.  Xboxes.  Instagram.  Facebook.  KiK. It's all so mind boggling.  

My daughter just turned 12 years old - she is nearly a teenager.  Before I know it she will be 18 years old and going out on her own.  But am I preparing her for real life?  Am I preparing her for the life that she is going to have when she leaves the confines of my home?  I ask myself this question everyday and everyday my answer is the same "I don't know, but I don't think so."  I won't have another chance at this parenting thing.  She is my only shot.  And I want it to be a good one.  I want her to know that I am not just a meddling mom.  I want her to know that I love her and I want her to be the best person she can be.  She has so much talent hidden inside of her.  She is so intelligent (I know this because she is just like me).  She is stubborn but if she learns to use her stubborness appropriately it can mean great success for her.  I just want so badly to be able to make her see all that she can become.  

Why is it so hard to be a parent?  You want to be your child's friend but at the same time you are shaping a young person into an adult.  Your job is to clothe them, feed them, shelter them and love them.  But it is so much more than that.  It is so much more that it is extremely difficult for me to even put it into words.  I wish that children came with manuals for how to raise them in an ever changing world.  

I am sure that she will continue to make me happy while at the same time break my heart.  I am sure that I will make mistakes - but I hope that one day when she is grown, she will understand why I was the way I was.