Today marked the beginning of week 4 on the Weight Watchers program. As of this morning I have lost a total of 5 lbs since I started the online program. I have to admit that I had a tiny setback Super Bowl Week. I chose to go "off plan" for the Super Bowl, knowing it was going to be next to impossible for me to resist the great "football" food that we had in our house. So, I gained a pound, but I quickly got back on plan and have done decently well since - posting a 1.6 pound weight loss at this week's weigh-in.
I am trying to celebrate that small milestones as I walk through this journey. I have to say though that I have been wondering a lot lately about how I allowed myself to get this heavy. When I was a child I was the "chubby kid". My mom used to say it was my "baby fat" and that I would grow out of it like she had as a young girl. I was chubby until I was 12 years old when during the summer before I entered 6th grade I slimmed down to a very healthy 115 pounds at 5 foot 4 inches tall.
A lot had changed during that summer. Though I had played softball since sometimes between age 5 and 8, for some reason the physical activity didn't help my weight until I was about to enter my teen years. So I entered 6th grade a slim, athlete. I felt good and I was healthy. I remained active in a lot of things, but I never had to watch what I ate because I was always "working it off" - whether playing softball, riding a bike, marching in the marching band in High School, walking, whatever, I worked of everything I ate.
Then, at 16 years old I was in a seriouse auto accident which left me with a traumatic head injury and a knee injury. I was on crutches for months while my knee heeled and I learned how to walk on it again. During the rehab I was prescribed some pills that the doctor said would help build my muscles back up. Well, not only did it help with my muscles, but it also caused me to gained a lot of weight. (it's been so long ago at this point I do not remember the exact amount).
I graduated high school weighing over 200 lbs. I went off to college and I was terrified of the "freshman 15". I had already gained so much weight and was already suffering from the ridicule and dirty looks that society gives to obese people. I heard all the normal things - "If you would just work a little harder you could get the weight off." "You are such a pretty girl, if you would just be thinner." "Maybe you should be careful about what you eat." Going out with friends or family to dinner or to a movie was terrifying to me. I always felt that people were staring at me and disgusted at the "fat lady" stuffing her face.
So, living on the university campus, I had to walk a lot - back and forth to classes, to work and sometimes even to the store. This increase in activity, along with my guilt and shame about eating, I was able to lose a considerable amount of weight. I was able to keep that weight off until I was 25 years old and pregnant. Now, it's important that I make this disclaimer: I am NOT blaming my pregnancy or my child for my obesity -however, it is a huge turning point in my life. Through my pregnancy I gained 125 lbs. I put myself at high risk of cardiac arrest and/or stroke while I was pregnant. I also put my child at risk. She was born 1 month premature and I am grateful that she was born healthy and remains healthy today.
After my daughter's father left when she was 11 months old, again I was on that yo-yo of guilt, shame and remorse. I lost weight again. Do you see that pattern here? Food was my emotions. It was how I handled everything - when happy and things seemed to be going well, I ate and ate and ate until I packed on the pounds. But when life was more than what I could emotionally bare, I starved myself. I deprived my body of what it needed to be healthy.
By the end of 2003 I had gotten back down to my pre-baby weight. But I met a man (a man who was later to become my husband), and my life was whole again. And again, I have put on weight - more and more and more weight. When I started my WW journey 3 weeks ago I weighed in at the heaviest I have EVER been in my life. A week before I joined weight watchers, I weighted 287.2 lbs. My first weigh in after joining WW I was a whopping 286.6 lbs. After 3 weeks - I am down 5.6 lbs to 281. I still have a long way to go. (In the last month I have lost a total of 6.2 lbs)
So why do I have this problem and will it ever change? The truth is I have an addictive personality. I find things that make me "happy" and I become utterly and completely addicted. I have done it with material things and I am doing it with food. I have tried, what feels like, 100 different diets - Adkins, South Beach, No-Carb, No-Protein, Low-Fat, Calorie Counting, Biggest Loser Diet, Weight Watchers. Modified Protein Sparing Diet and now Weight Watchers again. I have considered weight loss surgery - but the truth is I am not a candidate because of my addictive personality. Nothing changes - if nothing changes.
So, today, I begin my 4th week on the Weight Watchers Points Plus plan and for the first time with all of my efforts to lose weight I FINALLY feel like I have the support that I need. My husband is on board with my weight loss efforts. I have a handful of friends who are also trying to do the same thing I am (even though I have the most to lose) and I think I have finally had enough. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of not being able to do the things that I want to do and the things my family needs me to do.
This blog is titled "The World Through Cece's Eyes" - it's a blog about things that I see, believe, experience - a huge part of that is about my weight struggles and my desire to live a healthier, happier life. It is my deepest desire to help just one person through my posts. So, as I move forward with my blogging - I will continue to post things that I think readers will enjoy - but I will also be trying to chronical my journey to a healthier, leaner me.
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