I have compiled a list of parenting myths when it comes to parenting teenagers.
1. The calmer the teenager, the better behaved they are. - I am guilty of this. I tend to be too lenient with my daughter for fear that I will do something to cause her to hate me. The reality is, she if she is going to hate me, that's okay. Because, when she is in a "jam", I will be the first one she comes to for comfort. Most parents, myself included, fail to give rules and set boundaries because we don't want the conflict with our teen. Basically parenting out of guilt is not going to make your teen calmer, much less better behaved.
2. Once a bad kid, always a bad kid. - This is not a myth that I neccassarily believe but I hear people say it all the time. The greatest thing about our country is the fact that we give second chances. Therefore, as a parent, the worst thing we can do is label our child (or any other for that matter) a "bad kid".
3. You can fix your child. Guess what I have learned? When the relationship be between my daughter & I goes sour, I can only look at myself to blame. 100% of the time, when our relationship is not working "right", the only thing that I can do is look at myself and what can I change about me - my reactions and my behaviors. I can't change my teenager - only she can change herself.
4. I can't get my teenager to open up and talk to me. - Look - all teenagers want to do is talk. Even when they say they don't want to talk - they do. What THEY need and want is someone to listen. Someone who will listen to them without judgement or feeling as though they are going to be in trouble if they open up and tell the truth about what is going on in their life.
5. My child prefers their friends over their family. - What I have a hard time remembering is that I am raising an independent woman, just like my mother raised me to be independent. The only way that I can allow my child to be independent is to give her some room to do her own thing. Sometimes I just want my baby girl back. The one who never wanted to leave my side. But in reality, I don't want a "mama's girl" either. I want her to be able to make her own decisions. I want her to be able to make mistakes and learn from them. This is a hard pill for me to swallow. Yes, right now, my teenager wants to be with her friends. I need to learn how to balance that with what I want.
6. Don't keep anything from your teenager. - Okay this is a hard one for me. I know when I was growing up my parents kept "secrets" from my sister and I. So did other adults in the family. As I got older and into adulthood, the truth about some pretty serious, deep secrets within my family have come to light. It was very painful to find out I had been lied to about certain things because the adults thought it was better that they didn't tell us kids. Going through that experience, I have told myself that I don't want to hurt my child in that manner. I don't want her to feel like I have kept secrets from her - thus giving her the feeling that she cannot trust me or my husband. So, this one is a fine line. Only you can decide what you will share with your teen and what you won't.
7. I can't be my teenager's friend. - Again, this is one of those gray areas. Of course you can be your teenager's friend. And when they become adults and get out on their own - more than likely they will feel as though you are their best friend. And that is good. You want your child to feel like they can share anything that they would share with their friends with you too. So, therefore, you need to be their friend. But you also need to be the parent. Set boundaries.
8. Conflict cannot be resolved unless you and your teen see eye to eye. - This one is simple - it's called compromise. You and your teen won't always see eye to eye, but at least you can learn to have a mutual respect for each other. But don't forget, this is your teen - give them a little time.
9. When I spend time with my teen, it doesn't make a difference. - YES IT DOES!!! The problem is the you won't really see it right away. I have the hardest time with this one. Just like with #5. The reality of it is that I can't and shouldn't give up. Small moments are the ones that she is probably going to remember for the rest of her life. I never told my mother how much I loved spending time with her. Same with my dad. But I truly loved our family time and I believe that because there were special moments between me and my parents, that I will once again have those moments with my child.
10. I need to make time with my child a priority so we can have teachable moments. - While part of this is true - the reason for it is not. I need to make more time for my child - but not so that we have "teachable" moments, but rather we have "memorable" moments. Special time together is just that - special.
In closing, I am going to say that I wanted to make this list for some selffish reasons - because I have a child whom I feel is pulling away from me and I feel like our relationship needs work. I love my child more than anything else on this beautiful earth. I want us to have a healthier and happier relationship than I had with my mother (who I did have a good relationship with).
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