Tonight lying in bed doing the same thing I always do on Sunday nights; watching all of the tv programs that I have become interested in a great sadness suddenly came over me and I started to cry, almost uncontrollably.
Recently we chose to give Karey the SmartTV that was in the living room and basically took her old 19" tube tv out of service for now. But with this change, it means that when you have 3 stubborn & opionated people who all want to watch different things, there has to be sacrifice. So I watch all of my shows on the family iPad. It is propped up on a bamboo tablet stand that I purchased from my "Pampered Chef Lady" (who by the way happens to be my big sister) I plug in my earbuds and open the app for the correct station I want to watch; mainly abc family and Xfinity TV on demand. Thanks to Netflix, I learned of some Canadian Broadcasting Company (CBC) programs that I have absolutely become obsessed with. Like a teenage girl with a crush on Luke Perry, the "bad boy", on Beverly Hills 90210 in the 90's. I know most of my readers know what I am talking about because most of you had Luke's posters all over your bedroom walls! But back to what I was going share.
Now where was I? Ahh yes, the overwhelming feeling of sadness. You know how sometimes you will be watching a show & think "Oh my Gosh that could be me!" I get lost in these shows and sometimes they take me to another place and time but never have I felt the power I felt tonight while catching up on the latest episodes of Monica the Medium on ABC Family. Listening to the readings she gives I think back to when Jeff & I first met. I can't remember which number date we were on but we had only known each other for a few weeks at most. He hadn't shared a lot of deeply personal things with me at first. Sitting in a pool hall waiting for my turn at Karaoke, I stood in front of Jeff as he was sitting in a bar stool. To the average individual it appeared that the stool next to him was empty, but I kept seeing a faint image of an older man with his fishing rod. I described the man to Jeff but Jeff swears he could not see the image of the man.
The old man started talking to me and said that he wanted Jeff to know that he always thought of Jeff as part of the family and he was honored to be Jeff's personally appointed Grandfather. Jeff about fell of his stiool that night. Several months later I was blessed to have to chance to meet that mans wife, Juanita. We call her Grandma Potter, even though we aren't really family by blood or marriage. Grandma & Grandpa Potter helped to raise Jeff's best friend David.And because the boys were pretty much always getting into something Keff became an unofficial adopted brother to David.
There had been many other times where my own deceased family members would try to send me messages or help me to see that they were there with me. But after I had open heart surgery in 2010 their visits stopped. Sometimes little things will happen that remind me of them and then I start telling them about my day. Or I will be having a hard day at work & I close my eyes and there is my Grandpa Prezioso in the basement of their house in Perry, OH and he is preparing vegetables to be part of whatever meal we were having that night. I can almost hear his voice calling my name as he rolled the "r" sound like it is done in Spanisg & Italian.
It is comforting to me to know they are watching me. But a part of me wishes I could have that higher level of continued contacts with my loved ones, especially those that I would love to be able to ask questions to about the a family history and other question as like are they proud of me? Was there anything left usnaid or undone when they passed away that they need help to rectify?
Maybe one day where en I can get back to who I am; when I am not on brain overload. Someday. Maybe.
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