In previous posts I shared about my desire to lose weight. I even shared how I planned to do and shared a few milestones along the way. It has been 2 1/2 months since I started on my weight loss journey using the Weight Watchers program. I could lie and tell you that it's been easy - but like I said, it would be a lie. Instead, I have to share that the last 2 1/2 months have been extremely difficult. Making lifestyle changes is hard for me. I can't seem to get into the mood to exercise like I need to (and like I want to). I am finding it extremely grueling trying to keep the willpower to say "no" to my "trigger" foods. I am even realizing that I have more triggers than I initially realize.
Some days it's so difficult to stay on plan that I question why I am doing this and if it's even worth it because I don't know how long I am going to be able to keep this up. Then, the other part of my brain - the rational one - tells me that I want to live long enough to watch my future grandchildren grow up. That I want to be able to buy cute clothes right off the rack instead of ordering my clothes from a catalog. It tells me that I am unhealthy at 275 lbs and that I would feel 100 times better if I could just get down to a more healthy size.
A couple of years ago I came to the conclusion, after unsuccessfully completing a 6 week nutrition program prescribed by my cardiologist, that I am an emotional and compulsive overeater. When I came to that realization I even tried going to Overeater's Anonymous. And though I really did like the people at the meetings - I still didn't feel "at home". I felt terribly out of place and it made it even more difficult for me to "stick with it." I just stopped going. I didn't call anyone that I had met at OA, like they suggest that you should do. And I was never able to become completely abstinent from my trigger foods.
After moving to Nashville in 2012 - I once again tried a few OA meetings. Again, the people were nice - but I didn't feel comfortable. I didn't feel like I was in the right place. I was able to convince myseld that I am not a compulsive overeater - that I could "control" my behaviors. I told myself that it wasn't about the fact that I ate "too much" - I just don't have the energy or stamina to exercise - that's really the problem.
Today, I was on my break and I was reading from the book "Drop the Rock". It's a book written for Alcoholics & Addicts about Steps 6 & 7 of the 12 step program. In the book I was reading about character defects and how before you can get rid of your character defects, you have to recognize them, then you have to get the WILLINGNESS TO ALLOW GOD (or your higher power - which I choose to call Gaia the Goddess of Earth) to remove your character defects. As I was reading I kept thinking "what are my character defects where food and exercise are concerned?" And "am I willing to allow my higher power relieve me of these defects of character?"
What exactly is a character defect anyway? To answer this question I had to first learn what "character" means. "Character" is distinct qualities that make somebody or something unique and includes somebody's qualities of feelings and of their mind. It can also be defined as somebody's reputation. Next I had to learn the definition of "defect" - which simply put is a flaw. So, character defects would be somebody's reputation or quality flaws. Easy enough right? I bet most of you could make a list of things that you don't like about yourself - but are they are really flaws? For example, I don't like that am 37 years old - this is a characteristic that makes up who I am, and in some ways it defines me, but I can't change it - I have to accept it for what it is. So, just because I have flaws, doesn't mean that they are neccessarily character defects.
So how do we know exactly what our character defects are and what do we do to become willing to allow God to remove them? We have to list them. We have take an honest look at ourselves, who we are and how we behave. Then we have to look at how those things effect our lives. Not all "defects" are all bad. Some can work positively in our lives and the lives of others.
I have an assignment - and I promise that I will do this assignmet too. Take some time for yourself over the next couple of days and write a list. Write a list of the characteristics in your life that make up who you are. For example, do you get angry easily? Do you yell at your kids too much? Are you friendly to everyone around you? Think about the kind of person that your friends and family say you are. What are your actions? Then after making your list of these qualities, take a look at it again and decide what items would you like to be rid of? Do you want God to help you with your anger? Do you want God to continue to give you the ability to be friendly to people? That's where we need to start - by recognizing what our defects are - putting them down on paper and then answering the question "Am I willing to allow my Higher Power remove these defects of character from my life?"
